I have several drafts waiting to be published to this site. I can’t say why I’ve resisted pushing the big blue button; perhaps it’s fear of commitment to my own thoughts or the refusal to allow myself enough time to hone my words to the point that I feel comfortable letting them run free.
S and I have just gotten home from a wonderful weekend in San Diego, visiting with family for Christmas. This trip gave me just enough opportunity to stop dead in my tracks and think about how I’ve been spending my time and why I’ve been so abhorrently busy as of late. The answer? Not enough to fulfill me. I’ve kept myself running here and there with tasks that don’t move my life forward, but rather keep my mind off of my lack of productivity.
Perhaps it simply takes 3 months to recover from your own wedding. I have been meaning to reevaluate what it means to be me – now that “me” is part of something entirely new. “Me” does not have to disappear now that we are legally “us,” but being newly married has certainly adjusted the way I think about life and my part in it. We’ve finally received our new driver’s licenses in the mail (they came a lot faster than I thought they would!) so my new identity is slowly but surely taking shape – officially. I spent two years of my life engaged and imagining what it would be like to become Mrs. Osati, and now that the daydream has become reality, I am almost having difficulty coming to terms with it. I feel as if I’m in a trial period, and only once my name has been changed everywhere and the dust settles from the W word do I think I’ll have completed my initiation into the married club.
It’s hard to say that Sohrab has it any easier. Despite his simpler name change (removing one part of his last name versus changing it altogether), he has now become a husband. We are both now part of a whole. It is now, more than ever, our future. No matter my plans, he is a part of them in one way or another. I have not lost my freedom – quite the opposite – I have gained a life partner to move through the challenges that the future holds.
As we teeter on the cusp of having been married for three months, I feel it is time to allow myself the time that I have not. Not more “me” time, but more productive time. More time blogging. More time learning new languages (no more singing along to Utada Hikaru with no idea what I’m actually saying!). More time working towards our future rather than treading water.
So perhaps this is my new year’s resolution. What’s yours?
