Have you ever felt like you were too late to make your mark on the world? Like the market you are trying to get into is so saturated that yet another voice amidst the crowd couldn’t possibly make a difference?
I’ve been in a haze for the past 5 months (or… 5 years). 5 years ago, I moved back to Los Angeles after graduating from college at the University of Hawai’i at Manoa. I couldn’t say what it was that changed in my brain – perhaps it was the unadulterated fear that I had just jumped headfirst into the “real world” ocean with no snorkel gear, or the sudden disappearance of everything that had structured my life since I was a child. School gave me purpose; a reason to wake up every morning and stay up late every night. I had deadlines, I had goals. Once I graduated, it was up to me to decide what to get up for. Even with a job, I struggled with the sense of responsibility that had been thrusted upon me. Who was I to decide what to do with my life? I had spent the last 21 years of my life being instructed on how to be a human in this modern world, and now that I was out, I couldn’t take charge.
“But Allegra,” you say. “That was 5 years ago. Surely you’ve got a handle on it now.” Want to hear the truth?
I’ve never felt more lost.
There is an expectation that I, at 26 years old, half a decade out of college, should have my life figured out. But the fact is, as I look around at my circle of friends, many of them farther along in their journeys, I realize that I’m right where I should be – even as I struggle to keep my head above water.
In October 2015, I married my best friend. This is not an accomplishment as much as it is an incredible life decision. Sohrab and I shouted to the world that we are a team, and the echoes of that will reverb across the pages of our life story until there is no one left to hear it. My partner lifts me up and inspires me to continue to fight for my future, to pave the way for other life decisions that will affect us both. Marriage is not an accomplishment. It is a commitment – and the wedding is just the beginning of a new stage in our life and relationship.
Back in 2001, when Jimmy Eat World was played regularly on the radio, my mom would crank up this song and tell me to listen to the lyrics. She pushed me to believe in myself through music, and it was amongst the most defining moments of my childhood. I was on the cusp of becoming a teenager, and I needed that little push to remember that everything would be okay. This song still inspires me to keep pushing forward today, and I can imagine the very tone of mom’s voice as she turned up the music and started singing with me.
I am a dreamer, more during the day than at night. I allow my mind to whisper to me its innermost desires as it whisks me away to the perfect imperfection that is [hopefully] my future. My only fear is that I’ll stand in my own way. That these daydreams are only dreams, that I won’t be able to formulate a plan to create my ideal reality. But every day I battle this fear, I get a little stronger. I learn new tactics and how to dodge the blows that might have flattened me yesterday. These daydreams have become my inspiration.
I’m still lost, but I’m not giving up.
