I am, by nature, incredibly shy. I’m no stranger to opening up to people — it’s that I have very particular ways of doing it.
Perhaps my introversion is why I’m artistic. Or I’m an introvert because I’m an artist. But then again, there are plenty of extroverted artists — but I’m not a performer. I am a writer. I live in my own mind.
Starting a [meaningful, I-give-a-shit-about-this] conversation is one of the most difficult things for me to do. Once I’m in the swing of things, it’s a grand feeling. If someone else starts it and I dip in, it’s less of a problem. But when I am interested in making a new friend or learning more about someone who I just met, I’m hard pressed to find the words or the wherewithal to speak a punctuated sentence in their presence. I can walk up to them with a script in my mind, and completely butcher it once I open my mouth to speak. I can compare notes afterwards with the mini version of Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker in my mind, a sheepish pupil that got low marks looking down at her shoes asking the teacher for a do-over.
Ashamed and frustrated, I’ve long thought that this would just be the way I am and will be. My past, present, and future. But then I heard some magnificent advice that changed my outlook — and perhaps it doesn’t have to be my future anymore.
There is a time and place for casual pleasantries and quick farewells, but I often desire to get to the root of things; the soul of the person I am speaking to. The advice I heard applied specifically to interviews, but I find that it could be relevant in everyday conversation as well.
To get past the canned responses of small talk, you must enter through the heart. Ask a unique question: instead of asking what they do for work, ask them about the story behind an item they own or about the most poignant advice they’ve ever received. It will most likely inspire a story and a wistful look, which is your first sign that you’ve successfully entered the funnel.
The heart is the largest part of the funnel: the entrance. You swirl down through the head and finally, you might reach the tiniest part, the soul. It’s not easy, and there’s no right answer, but that means you can get creative with it. You don’t have to spin through your rolodex of questions to continue the conversation — simply react appropriately and dig a little deeper with some “whys” and some “hows.”
This isn’t a cut and paste solution, and I anticipate I’ll still clam up through my first few attempts. But this inspiration will help me try at least one more time.
Psst! Did you know this is my very first Blogtober? I’m posting a new piece every day this October. Check out the rest here!