Have you ever felt like you weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, or creative enough to get ahead in life?
I have these doubts everyday. I let them get in my way. I let them stop me from writing – no one could possibly be interested in what I have to say, right? There are so many bloggers, vloggers, et cetera who have thousands of followers and even more views each day.* The only thing standing in my way of joining their ranks is the doubt that I could.
At least, that’s what I’ve refused to let myself believe. Perhaps part of my problem is that I have this strange idea that other people’s dreams and projects should always take precedence over my own – as if mine carry no weight or importance. This leaves me in an eternal state of waiting, a wretched state of unfulfillment. As you can imagine, self-care is far too low on my list of priorities. I’m always worried about what others would think about me pursing my own dreams rather than theirs – but the fact is that it shouldn’t matter. I am allowed to pursue my goals.
I should say that again. Say it with me. I am allowed to pursue my goals.
Placing others needs, hopes, and dreams in front of your own is not always a bad practice – in fact, it can benefit friendships and relationships – but it should not be your default mode.
I grew up in a family of strong women. I was surrounded (and still am!) by models of strength, independence, and grace. In many ways, I am one of them. I have that strength inside me, that independence I crave. But I let outside forces stand in the way of truly realizing my power. I know I have worth, I know I am a strong, beautiful woman, but then I look around me and think I see better versions. I demean my own beauty in the fear that others might not see it. I bury it deep inside so that people might not realize that I was raised by a powerful woman, so they might not be offended or otherwise hurt by my innate tendencies.
I have failed her.
No more. I will not let others stand in the way of my dreams, inadvertently or otherwise. I am important. I have something to say. I am confident.
*Social media can so often be compared to a popularity contest. Everyone is in a rush to get the most likes, the most comments, the most shares. There is a literal price on reach. And while it’s so easy to get caught up in the politics of it all, it’s harder – and more rewarding – to take the path less traveled. But alas, that’s another blog post.
My dear Allegra, there is something you must know. You were too little to remember the person that was at 27, I was your mommy and you looked up to me because, let’s face it I was bigger than you and I fed you and gave you hugs and snuggles. Confidence is something that is grown, we all grow at different paces and in different ways, but it is grown. You have far from failed me. You are so beautiful, in spirit, in your kindness, in your grace, and in your face. (look I rhymed). The fact that you are writing things like this tells me that you are seeking to grow and that is all that is required. Experience your life. Experience the world. Scare your self sometimes. But I didn’t know these things at 27. I was just trying to make ends meet, hold on to my kid and go for a bike ride when possible. I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I grew up. I struggled to be a strong voice, to not let my negative voices rule my head. I just knew that when I was on the path I was supposed to be on, when I felt passionate about something, my inside voice of doubt wasn’t so loud. And now 25 years later, that voice is still there. Why do I create stuff? Why would anyone buy this thing that I just made? I can’t sing too loud, I don’t want anyone to hear….says the voice. But each day bit by bit experience tells me to keep moving, to keep going, to keep on keeping on (as they say), to reach farther and in the reaching become more myself). You my dear have far from failed me and are well on your way, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep going and you will have those grand moments of feeling the confidence to stand up and do whatever it is. I am so proud of you! Love mom.
You have made me cry happy tears. I’m so grateful for you in so many ways. For our impromptu chats, for you strength and willingness to admit when you don’t have the answer, for helping me through so much. For our phone call after I read this comment. It’s amazing to see what we have become – and what we will become – in our separate but connected paths. I’m not always sure of myself (in fact I’m more often unsure) but you are always there to help me get back on track. We’ve had our hard times, but it only makes these good times sweeter. I love you and I admire you. Thank you, mom. <3